March of the Fat People

This is the story of chubby little Kimberly Warren who got so fat she sat on a toilet seat and broke it, and the toilet seat bit her when the crack closed on a portion of her ample posterior.

It was, in addition to the shock of being thus abused by her own toilet, an epiphany, one of those flashes of divine light that allows a person to either see visions of the Virgin Mary or truths of self-realization.

In Kim’s case she struggled free from the toilet with a bruise on her butt and said to herself, “I’m too fat.” She went on to diet, lost 100 pounds and now she is probably too skinny and will fall into the toilet someday and be flushed away.

I bring this story to you from an AOL site concerned with healthy living in order to engage you in a brief conversation about fat people in the Valley. Ever since I saw a story on the front page of this newspaper relative to the problem of obesity in America I have become conscious of the waddlers among us.

I talked about it so much at home that my wife has put me on a diet. She purchased a large blender and now grinds up fruits and vegetable into a liquid form for me to drink as dinner every other night.  I have lost five pounds, which isn’t much, but it is enough for me to be able to sit on the toilet with impunity.

But enough about commodes.

The reason you are fat, I have learned, is that eating is one of three activities that releases dopamine in the brain, the chemical emitted during pleasurable activities. The other two are sex and music.  Some men double up by humming when they eat, which is my habit and it annoys hell out of my wife, and others increase their sexual activities, each act of which is said to burn 150 calories if you do it right, more if you’re innovative.

An article in the National Enquirer, the people’s newspaper, reported that Paula Abdul had dieted down to a scary 97 pounds and has become something of a poster girl for those who, over-dieting, are gradually becoming nothing more than sticks with enhanced breasts and then disappearing completely so there is nothing there at all but a speck of dust where they once posed in their bikinis.

I have spent the last week preparing for this article by observing fat people releasing their dopamine by eating.  They either stuff huge loads of food into their mouths as a way of declaring fat pride or pick at tiny salads to please their observers, and then go home and down a pot roast.

If the problem of obesity continues, I suggest that we minimize food and become advocates of sex on trampolines which would release dopamine and burn off large amounts of calories at the same time. Music is optional, but a little rock and roll wouldn’t hurt.

Almtz13@aol.com