A blog of general comment by one of L.A.'s best known commentator/essayists. Humor, drama, pathos, satire and, well, everything else.
It is the year 2030 and the issue of same sex marriage has finally been put to rest with the Supreme Court ruling in its favor by more or less washing its hands of the issue by saying it didn’t care who married whom as long as they shut up about it. Just no kissing in public.
We also were able to get past the triangular marriage issue between straights, gays and bisexuals and dismiss as preposterous the idea of trans-species marriage which was proposed by a bloc of reasonably isolated cattle farmers, one of whom fell in love with a cow.
The high court ruled that there was no guarantee in the constitution that upheld the right of a human being to marry an animal, although it understood that deep affection existed between some humans and their pets, such as a man and his dog.
However, the court ruled in Fido vs Bubba that there was no need to sanctify such an arrangement in marriage, either civil or religious, and urged those supporting the issue to practice whatever phase of it in strict privacy.
And now comes word from the Christian Fundamentalist Marriage League that animals should not be allowed to consummate their intimate relationships in public. It is setting a bad example for young, single farm hands who are not only privy to the carnal act but who are forced to assist in the birthings of children that result from the union.
The CFML is calling for a ceremony that unites the two mating animals in a union similar to human marriage which scoffing liberals are calling the cowbell rites.
“It is enough,” thundered the Rev. Bleeden Goodheart, “to expose our young to human fornication without the sanctity of marriage in movies, on stage and in television, there is no need to further pollute their morals by allowing them to continually witness farm and domestic animals doing it in fields and neighborhoods, thereby giving legitimacy to the very random act of sex on the run.”
The whole thing was considered a joke at first because sex is no longer a big issue in 2030. Everyone is doing pretty much what they want to do and we enjoy watching them do it, although there is a good deal of protest when a contest between who was doing it best and with what degree of imagination became a video game.
The protest was so loud that sex as competitive entertainment has been removed from the lineup of videos offered by various manufacturers who have since ramped up the violence in war and murder games in order to take the public mind off the ill-considered sex issue. When blood replaces physical intimacy everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
But the CFML is continuing its drive for marriage among farm animals, with domesticate animals on the horizon. The issue has expanded to include a new ministry dedicated to conducting marital rites among the beasts and threatens to involve animal activitist who consider forced marriages prior to breeding as cruel and unusual punishment for species that have heretofore been using the rutting seasons pretty much as they wish.
It’s beginning to feel that this may be the major issue of the day this summer of 2030 since most of the other matters have been dealt with. I shudder to think what may come next. Already there’s talk of how to prevent cross-breeding on a cosmic scale. I’m not sure how Martians do it but I’m reasonably certain that we’re about to find out.
Al Martinez is a Pulitzer Prize winning essayist, former columnist for the Los Angeles Times, author of a dozen books, an Emmy-nominated creator of prime time television shows, a travel writer, humorist and general hell-raiser. Try him. He's addictive.
Joanne Cinelli Martinez is composed of artist, poet, gourmet chef, interior decorator, photographer, volunteer, and all around intelligent person; also the life long partner and care taker of the simple but happy little man who runs the blog. She views him with suspicion and uncertainty. It is a cautionary love story.