A blog of general comment by one of L.A.'s best known commentator/essayists. Humor, drama, pathos, satire and, well, everything else.
I had the privilege yesterday of interviewing U.S. Sen. Homer McBush who, as you know, is running for president of the United States with a campaign slogan of “Three Gs for Freedom.” McBush appeared before us at the Faux Network superstation KBS-America, accompanied by his new puppy Pali. This is a partial transcript of the interview:
Faux: Tell me, Senator, all of America is curious about the puppy you have suddenly brought to most of your campaign appearances. Pali, I believe you call her.
McBush: That’s pronounced Pay-lee.
Faux: I notice she’s wearing lipstick and earrings. Is there a reason for that?
McBush: A joke. She isn’t a pig (wink), but even a dog can wear lipstick and maybe earrings too. You get it?
Faux: I get it.
McBush: Now let me say that it’s a privilege being here at Faux BS as a war hero and maverick to counteract the falsehoods put forth by my opponent, Senator O-Bomb.
Faux: I believe you mean Senator Obama?
McBush (laughing): We have whimsical sense of humor. We call him O-Bomb as a play on his name meaning every once in awhile he drops an oratorical bomb, if you get my meaning. We have to duck. (More laughter)
Faux: As a Navy pilot and later captive war hero you must know a little something about dropping real bombs.
McBush: Only on the Godless soldiers in ‘Nam. Should’ve seen those little brown suckers scatter! Hoo-boy! (Abruptly serious) By the way, I want to apologize on behalf of certain members of my campaign staff for saying that the senator is a close friend of Osama bin Laden.
Faux: I don’t recall anyone ever having said that.
McBush (musing): Obama, Osama. Funny how close those names are.
Faux: That certainly doesn’t mean they were friends.
McBush: That’s the very reason I’m apologizing.
Faux: But if no one ever said…
McBush: Look at it this way, boy. Someone sure as heaven is going to say it, and that apology will already be in place. It will preempt the accusation. This is modern, electronic politics, boy. Call it E-truths.
Faux: I see. Well, I’d like to get back to the dog. I have a report from an excellent source that says Pali is illegitimate. Is that true?
McBush (angrily): Dastardly lies! I swear on my status as a God-given war hero and maverick that Pali was the legitimate offspring of a male corgi owned by a Pentecostal preacher and a bitch Doberman that was the constant companion of the pastor’s wife Tammy Sue. They were legally married and we have the papers to prove it.
Faux: The parent dogs were married?
McBush: In a holy ceremony attended by family, friends and owners in the pastor’s own church, the Conservative American Church of God and Angels in Flight of Nome, Alaska.
Faux: I notice that you keep Pali on a little pink leash. Does she bite?
McBush: That’s Pay-Lee, boy!
Faux: Of course.
McBush: She bites when she’s told to.
Faux: She’s an attractive puppy, that’s for sure, winking and blinking the way she does, but she seems exceptionally quiet today.
McBush: My daddy, the Admiral, while beating his noisy dog, used to say, ‘There’s a time to bark and a time to whine.’
Faux (teasingly): Do you also script her speeches? Like when to bark, growl, snarl, roll over or bite?
McBush: Something like that. More of a yap than a bark.
Faux: She’s actually scripted? I’ve never heard of a dog that…
McBush (interrupting): I’m not going to have my sweet puppy subjected to the cruel and ungodly questions of the liberal media without some form of preparation! Next question.
Faux: You mention God a good deal. Is he one of the “G”s in your campaign’s “Three Gs for Freedom?” The reason Pali is wearing a gold cross attached to her collar?
McBush: That is correct. It came to me in a dream while I was a captive war hero, and I swore that if I ever became a maverick candidate of any sort I would apply them: God, Guns and Glory.
Faux: I assume the chewable dog toy in the shape of a shotgun that she’s holding in her teeth is relative to the second “G”? For guns?
McBush: That’s right, boy. Guns ready to use on our doorstep if the A-rabs ever invade. And the third is for glory.
Faux: The glory of liberty and freedom?
McBush: Of war, boy. The glory of winning. The glory of the stars and stripes waving bravely over a battlefield of dead A-rabs. And may I add that I deny ever having referred to our friend O-Bomb by the A-word.
Faux: Again, sir, I don’t believe anyone has ever said you had referred to him as an Arab, or, as you put it, an A-rab. Are you apologizing again for something you have never been accused of? Isn’t that just another way of smearing an opponent without bearing the blame?
McBush: (He smiles, shrugs slightly, winks at the dog, says nothing.)
Faux: I see. Getting back to an earlier topic, there are some who say no one truly wins a war.
McBush: These are the same traitorous liberals in America who said, may God forgive me for repeating it, that the New York Giants would never win a Super Bowl and you and I know that they sure as hell did.
Faux: Your dog is growling.
McBush: Forgive me. I did not intend to defame the name of God, and on my honor as a war hero, maverick and Christian, I apologize for use of the ugly H-word. It upsets Pali.
Faux: We all know you’re a war hero, but how do you figure you’re a maverick? Many feel that you’re very much like our current leader, President Twig.
McBush: Not so. For one thing I’m taller than Twig and when I smile there are those who say my whole face lights up. He just grins. Nothing wrong with grinning, but there’s sure a big difference between us right there.
Faux: Other than that, doesn’t your program, as Twig’s, favor the oil companies’ desire to drill wherever they chose? Doesn’t that profit them more than us? And doesn’t it harm Earth’s ecological balance?
McBush: Ecological my behind! We didn’t even have that word until the hippies made it up. A couple holes in the ground won’t kick the planet out of orbit. And there’s nothing wrong with Americans making a little extra cash, boy, just because they already have some. But we’ve got to be fair about spreading the wealth, so I’m proposing an increase in the minimum wage by 7 and ½ cents!
Faux: An hour?
McBush: A day. Who in the hell do you think we are?
Pali growls again.
McBush: Gosh darn, there I go again, defaming God. Sorry, Pali.
Faux: It seems to me that by saying ‘hell’ you were more likely offending the devil than God. Is the devil a part of your campaign too?
McBush: (He smiles. The dog winks.)
Faux: Thank you, Senator. Thank you, Pali.
McBush: God bless America.
Al Martinez is a Pulitzer Prize winning essayist, former columnist for the Los Angeles Times, author of a dozen books, an Emmy-nominated creator of prime time television shows, a travel writer, humorist and general hell-raiser. Try him. He's addictive.
Joanne Cinelli Martinez is composed of artist, poet, gourmet chef, interior decorator, photographer, volunteer, and all around intelligent person; also the life long partner and care taker of the simple but happy little man who runs the blog. She views him with suspicion and uncertainty. It is a cautionary love story.